Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
