i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
