I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
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I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
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She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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