Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
