I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
