I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
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Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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