I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
