You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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