I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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