Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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