Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
