A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
