I just saw a hot homeless man
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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