I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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