I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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