I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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