Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
