There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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