i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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