so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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