allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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