The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
