why didn't you poke me back
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
