Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
