Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
