dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
