Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
