Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
