3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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