i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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