babies were throwing up all over the place
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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