The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
