I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
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I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
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Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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