i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
