Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
