that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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