if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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