I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
