This is not my ceiling
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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