I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
