so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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