question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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