he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i drank out of a bidet.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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