oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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