Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
