Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
