This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
