i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
