I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
