I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
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We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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