I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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