why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
