Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
