Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
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I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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