My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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