tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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