well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
