WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
