He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
