Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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