I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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