Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Randomize
