Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i need some magic done to my vagina
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
