My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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