Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
